Love is not something we can see and it’s definitely not something we can physically touch or hold onto but, it is something most people want, to love and be loved. Far too many people grew up without ever having experienced love, perhaps with a single parent working two jobs, just too exhausted to notice the need. Could be they grew up in a toxic and abusive home environment, scared and confused of what love might mean.

So why is it so hard to find love, and keep it? Many people are under the misconception that finding their love should happen as they do in fairy-tales script: the hero saves the princess, they get married and ride off into the sunset… of course they are disappointed with the real life version and unless they are willing to come to terms with 21st century dating.

Making a list of the qualities you want in a partner is a good thing, but lists can be incredibly unrealistic and unachievable, except for that prince or princess. It’s important to keep an open mind and lighten up!

When it comes to online dating, there are so many ‘matches,’ and seekers have become too picky to make a choice, or if they do, they all choose the best looking and most successful.

Why is it so hard to find love?

The pain of heartbreak

The advice of getting back on the horse after a fall does not bode well for a broken heart, neither would isolating ourselves from friends and family, or the world at large. Heartbreak is traumatic and an emotional blow to our system, much as the sudden passing of a loved one would be.

A breakup could put us in a dark place emotionally where we’d rather stay than go through such pain again. For your survival and future happiness it is essential go work through your loss, starting with cutting all ties with your ex by deleting and blocking them from your phone and social media, and don’t be tempted to message them, ever. 

Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to work through the feelings of loss, denial, anger, depression to get to acceptance and move. You’re allowed to cry, rant and rage, analyze, cry some more and share with close friends who will listen without judging, provide comfort and encouragement and make you laugh again. 

Don’t lug your emotional baggage around with you, it will drag you down into the depths of despair where your heart may shrivel and your self-esteem and confidence never recover. Seriously, don’t put off working through your loss. Each relationship and breakup has something to teach us and we emerge from the lessons learned stronger, more confident and able to make better choices in life and relationships. 

So get out there and rediscover yourself by doing the things you enjoy most and trying things you’ve always wanted to. While you’re out there having fun and not stressing about love, you’ll have a positive mind-set and in a good place to meet people with the same interests.

The fear factor

Fear of commitment, fear of failure and fear of trusting could paralyze us into not trying again.

Some people are afraid of committing to their partner, or making their relationship official because of doubts that that this is the right person for them. Or perhaps they feel that commitment may ruin their chances of finding a better person. Sometimes, they’ll avoid emotional attachment because having a variety of choices and sexual partners excites them, all while their current partner is left in the dark as to the status of their relationship.

After a failed relationship, some people may be afraid of trying to find love again, and convince themselves they’ll just to fail again. Those who have who have experienced relationships with dishonest and unfaithful partners are particularly vulnerable. They may be end up with serious trust issues and not only be unable to trust others but also doubt their own judgement when it comes to finding partners.

Unrealistic Standards

A lot of people have a list of qualities they want in a partner, such as personality traits, physical attraction and values and interests close to our own and needs updating as we mature and our priorities change.

Unfortunately, if we’re not willing to compromise a little on our list, tunnel vision could cause us to miss a near perfect fit in the peripheral. So keep an open mind and remember that a meeting, even with someone you think ticks all the boxes, is no guarantee that either of you would want to take it further anyway.

Rather than obsessing over the criteria on our list, use the time to discover what type of person they are. After all, it is a ‘getting to know you’ session and not a commitment ceremony, so relax and keep it light. Conversation is the best way to discover the real qualities of a person. Know the questions to ask for the information you seek and use them as part of the conversation. If you both feel comfortable, a second meeting might be a good idea for more in depth discussions, if not, you don’t even have to meet again.

We should definitely strive to maintain high standards, they should be realistic, so keep an open mind or be prepared to be disappointed, every time.

Finding true love

Unfortunately too many of us grew up without ever witnessing a loving relationship between our parents or at the homes of family or friends, leaving us with no realistic understanding of love and relationships. As young children we learnt about love and relationships by watching fairy-tales, over and over, until they were etched in our memories. Not exactly the ideal platform to start from when looking to find the ‘perfect’ romantic partner. 

For one thing, nobody is perfect and while relationships have many perfect moments at any given time, they remain a work in progress as we grow together as partners and as individuals. 

Expecting the fairy-tale version of being swept off your feet and living happily ever after will leave you disappointed each time. While a strong physical attraction could indeed be the start of a romantic relationship, but when the excitement fades it could end quite quickly. 

True love on the other hand may be slower to start and is based on commitment, intimacy, respect, friendship, empathy and faithfulness. These relationships often last forever. 

Spoiled for choice

What started with slow and steady Matchmakers centuries ago has evolved into a super fast DIY search for the perfect match, with the help social media and over 1,500 dating apps and dating sites. Yet, in spite of having more opportunities to meet potential partners than ever before, most singles looking online still struggle to find The One.

Imagine being able to flick through 20 or more possible matches, and perhaps even send a ”hi there” to one that may have sparked your interest at first glance, but you don’t. It turns out we struggle with making decisions when we have too many options. A bit like being in a chocolate factory and having to choose your favorite, favorite! You look at all those options at your fingertips and can’t decide on any of them and they can’t make a decision on their options either.

Online daters is seems, are very choosy, the women in particular. They found around 80% of the men online unattractive, according to OK Cupid’s research. In fact, it seems they put their usual list of values aside and focused on the most handsome and successful men only.

The majority of the women were also match with the handful of attractive and successful men,  the men on the other hand, liked a variety of women. That’s an awfully unbalanced scale but at least a few of the good-lookers of both sexes might end up with dates. Meanwhile, the ‘unattractive’ men and women on the wrong end of the scale are having a hard time, with no responses to their messages leaving them frustrated and depressed.

Some people admit to being satisfied with their online experience, as they should be, having met their perfect match and now living happily in long-term relationships or marriages as proof. Others had no success using the apps but ended up meeting a partner the old fashioned way, with face to face dates.

We mostly love social media but unfortunately many people’s real life, face to face interaction has dropped drastically. Online dating and more recently covid-19 has contributed to increasing the isolation of many tenfold or more.

It’s important to get out of the rut by going outside. Enjoy the fresh air, get some exercise and interact with real people, even if it’s only with eye contact and a smile.

Why is it so easy for some to find love?

If you know someone who never seems to struggle finding a date, even after a painful breakup, it probably not because they have low standards or didn’t have strong feelings for their ex. If you pay attention, you may notice they have a positive attitude and focus on getting on with living and enjoying their lives. Even when they’re not looking for a new relationship, they end up meeting someone worth considering. This actually happens much more often than we realize and is probably linked to the ‘like attracts like’ concept.  

Taking a break to take stock of our situation and realign ourselves and our priorities is important, especially when we’re in a rut from constantly looking for love without success and don’t understand why. 

The law of attraction, (or like attracts like), just like the law of gravity, applies to all things and never stops working. Whether we’re aware of it or not, our thoughts affect our vibration and attract similar things to us in reality. People with positive attitudes, a healthy sense of worth and good self esteem, will generate strong positive vibrations and reap positive rewards as a result.

Of course, our thoughts may be have been influenced by bad experiences, beliefs and attitudes throughout our lives and it will take effort, personal growth and above all, self love, to achieve the positive changes required to attract a positive environment and loving, healthy relationships into our lives.

Will I ever find love?

The chances are that you’ve probably already found love in some form, there’s love between family members, friends, your animals, romantic love and true love.

Most of us would have experience at least one of the first three and eventually we look to find romantic and true love, and yes, the chances of finding love is good.

True love is a decision made by two people to be together and share intimacy and includes friendship, fidelity, respect, admiration and care. Although true love seldom happens instantly, it will grow stronger over time often lasts a lifetime. 

Romantic love is often an instant physical attraction between two people filled with passion and excitement. The relationship usually ends when the excitement and chemistry between the couple fades.

Why is love so hard to find? Our conclusion

Overall, people searching for love have unrealistic expectations and are often unwilling to compromise. 

Negativity and desperation are not sought after traits in a partner. It’s important for to let go of baggage and work on their personal growth.

Constantly thinking and talking about not being able to find a partner makes it worse. Take a break and get some fun doing what you enjoy doing or start a new hobby. You’ll definitely feel better and sometimes, good things happen when you’re not looking.

FAQs on finding love again (or for the first time)

How many people find the love of their life?

According to a survey sample of 2,000 adults, 17% of people said they met the love of their life after they started dating their current long-term partner, so the jury’s not out on the subject of numbers. 

True, or real love does seem to be quite rare, and develops at a slower pace and often last a lifetime, compared to romantic love which is more of a instant physical attraction, happens more often and often fizzles out when the passion fades.

Is it impossible to find true love?

Yes, true love is quite rare. A proportion of the population will never experience a loving relationship and some of them may never have wanted to. Spending your life with someone won’t fix a thing if you don’t fix yourself and by that I mean getting rid of negative thoughts.

It’s not a curse to be single, in fact sometimes it’s a blessing. Instead of worrying about it you should get out there and have some fun. Round up a few friends and take a road trip, find a roller coaster to ride – you get the idea. You’ll feel refreshed and happy afterwards, so remember that feeling and repeat with more of what you fancy, adventures, fun and laughter.

Is finding love just luck?

After being single for what seems like forever, you might start to question if you’re the one to blame. Maybe you think that you’re not trying hard enough or that there’s something wrong with who you are as a person. Whether it’s reassuring or discouraging, though, the reality is that finding love isn’t something that can be achieved through hard work and dedication. In fact, you probably have no control over it at all.

How do I find the love of my life?

It is said that before you can find true love, you have to love yourself. If you don’t how can you expect anyone else to love you. That’s harsh, but true and unfortunately it seems that self love sits at the bottom of most people’s priorities. Self love has nothing to do with vanity but if you’re struggling to find the love of your life it may be because your vibration is too low, the result of negative thoughts about yourself and only you will know and recognize them when you see them and replace them with positive thoughts as soon as possible. And don’t let up either, negatives have a sneaky habit of lurking in the shadow ready to pounce should you falter. Daily meditation using positive affirmations will help speed up the process.

Why do I feel so desperate for love?

It’s likely your vibration levels are low and sending negative vibrations into the universe. It’s important to change your negative opinions of yourself into positive thoughts. Each thought you flip to positive will raise your energy levels. It may take time but keep at it. Accept and acknowledge your true self, warts and all. Use positive affirmations while meditating and in between and especially if you start having negative thoughts.

How do I stop being desperate for love?

Desperation is linked to fear, of being alone, never experiencing true love, being forced to ‘settle’, repeating past mistakes and never being accepted. That’s a long list of negativity messing with your self worth!

You need to break the pattern of negative beliefs about yourself and work on restoring your self esteem and rewire our brain. You need to start believing that the person you are meant to be with is out there, that you are a unique and beautiful person with much to offer the one you love. 

Start by doing something you’ve always enjoyed or always wanted to do, perhaps even a course at work that could lead to promotion. This will help to give your self esteem and confidence the boost it needs. Keep it up, once you finished a project celebrate and pat yourself of the back for a job well done and start on another. Meditating using positive affirmations will help speed things up and do wonders to keep the negative thoughts at bay.

Why do we find love when we least expect it?

The universe already knows what you want and when the time is and place is right, it will happen. Suddenly, without warning, a person you’ve never seen before is making your heart pound! If you both had a strong physical reaction, it may have more to do with a physical attraction than a heart or soul connection and while it may not be your forever relationship, it could certainly give your self esteem a boost. So enjoy while it lasts. 

True love on the other hand is more subtle and when both of you are ready for a long-term relationship it’s worth taking the time to really get to know each other. True love relationships often last a lifetime.  

Written by:
Jade Small